Your spouse is aiming for a five-bedroom house with a pool. You would be happy for the two of you to live in a one-bedroom apartment. It’s unlikely this happened out of the blue, as people’s attitudes to money develop over a long time. Yet many couples ignored the red flags when they started dating, only to eventually find that the differences in how they approach money are too great for their marriage to last.
Here are some of the ways the problems can develop.
Tension and arguments
“You spent how much?” Spouses with a preference for saving over spending may get frustrated and call out their spouse overspending they see as excessive. If the spouse who did that spending is more of a spender than a saver, they may see nothing wrong with it. They may feel that life is short and enjoying it is important.
The arguments could go in the other direction, too, such as if the spending-inclined spouse feels their saving-inclined spouse is being miserly with the gift they bought for a friend. Or if they get annoyed at their spouse’s lack of willingness to ever go out for a nice meal because it “costs too much.”
Guilt and secrecy
Imagine the person with the more cautious approach to money is feeling bad after ranting at their spouse to be more careful with money. Then a friend suggests a day out at a plush golf course they’ve always dreamed of playing at. They fear being seen as hypocritical if they say yes, so they say yes to their friend, but lie to their spouse and tell them that their friend had a free voucher, or that the day on the course is a business trip being paid for by their employer.
If spouses cannot be honest with each other about their spending, it can do serious harm to the marriage, as trust is essential. Therapy can sometimes help couples find a middle ground over money, but sometimes it is better for the couple to part ways. Money will be a key issue in the divorce, so both parties may want to learn more about their options.